So while I was visiting my home town, I went to a friend’s birthday party. My friend’s house was 40 minutes from my own and after a night of drinking I left at around 3 am. Needless to say I was drunk, but luckily there was no one else on the road for miles.

As I was driving I realized that I was really, REALLY hungry. At the same time I also realized that I REALLY had to pee. My initial thought was to hit the Sonic Drive-In (best fast food restaurant ever) next to my house for a Extra Long Chili Cheese Coney (damn good). However my pee would not wait, so I changed my mind.

The new plan was to drive home, pee, then hit Sonic. Problem was, I did not want to go inside and risk drunkenly waking up my folks. So instead I decided to pee in my yard as a solution.

I went home and ran out of the car. In the dead of night I started urinating in my own front yard on the side of the house. As I did so, the front lights of the house lit up. I frantically looked around, “Oh, shit!”

I saw the blinds of the front door open as someone looked out at me. Then the lights turned off. “Ohshitohsiht!” I thought as I tried to push my urine out of my urethra.

The door opened abruptly and my mother’s head popped out.

  • Mom: “Hello?”
  • P-Tyme: “It’s me, ma’?”
  • Mom: “W-What are you doing?”
  • P-Tyme: “GO BACK INSIDE! GO! JUST GET BACK INSIDE!”

The door slammed closed immediately and I shook out the last drops. I looked at the door, “Fuck…”. As I walked into the house, my mom looked a me confused.

  • Mom: “What were you doing?”
  • P-Tyme: “I-I wAs PeEing”
  • Mom: “Why were you peeing outside?”
  • P-Tyme: “LoOk it MAkes comPleTE SeNSE…I wAs HuNgRY aNd I waNteD sONIc… bUT i reaLly HaD tO Pee… SOOooooo I DeciDeD tO PeE oUTside, SO thaT I WOunlD’nt wAKe You Up”
  • Mom: “……..Have you been drinking?”
  • P-Tyme: “……yEs”
  • Mom: “…We’re going to talk about this tomorrow:”
  • P-Tyme: “Ok….I’m gOinG to SoNIC!”

Needless to say, I left and got my Chili Cheese Coney, which was delicious by the way. Also my mom didn’t talk to me that day. I guess she was just too weirded out and disappointed.

~P-Tyme

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