So I have a theory that everyone has a hilarious 21st b-day story (if the person isn’t lame that is and if they remember it). Luckily I used to have an excellent drunk memory, so this is my story:

Years ago when the earth was young, I turned the ripe young age of 21. This meant many things for me. First it meant that I was well on my way to manhood, secondly it meant that I had reach yet another age-required milestone, and lastly it meant that all of my drinking could be done in public with my buddies and other barflies.

Simply put, I went out drinking with my boys on my 21st. At the time I was back home visiting my parents as were my friends. The drinking started at midnight at a bar and continued at a sushi restaurant. My friends and I all went home, rested, then met up again later that day at a place called Martini Ranch. The place is closed now, but at the time it was a hot bar that only served the best martinis.  Well the day started with an assortment of martinis, many of which I obviously no longer remember except for the James Bond. This drink put me promptly on my ass, but the day wasn’t over yet because there was still drinking to be done.

Now for anyone who has done the 21st b-day thing correctly, the goal is to not only party for multiples days on end, but to also drink at least 21 drinks in the first 24 hours of the event. I’ll just skip ahead and say I have NO idea how much I had.

My buds and I left and headed over to Macaroni Grill for dinner. One of my friends ordered a bottle of wine that we all shared during dinner. At the end of the meal one of my buds/the designated driver bailed out because he was having issues with his girlfriend. That left three of us.

My buds and I headed to a lounge where an old friend of ours was promoting. We got in with no hassle and chilled there for a bit chatting about how we no longer had a DD and none of us were prepared to stop drinking.

Now here is where things went terribly wrong. Our promoter friend had his own table with plenty of booze. His party promptly left and he gave the table to us while he worked the lounge. This meant that there practically an endless supply of Jager and Red Bull at our disposal. I started pouring whole glasses of Jager Bombs. One of my friends pointed out that we should probably shoot the drinks, but I said, “Fuck It” and knocked back whole glasses of the Jage.

Needless to say I blacked out and came too as I was drunk-texting people. At least I had the decency to not drunk dial. Eventually my friends found me and we decided to leave and head back to our friend’s house (the designated driver who let us fend for ourselves). However there was just one problem. We were in my car and I was in NO shape to drive. One of my buddies was somewhat more coherent than me and the other one was SMASHED. So we decided to go with the lesser of two evils.

Somehow…Somehow we got back to our friend’s spot. We wake his ass up and go inside his house. I lay down because my body hated me at this point and the other two drunkards proceeded to drive home….drunk…speeding….with their windows down….side by side….as they talked to one another…on the freeway…

Well at some point in the night, I got the spins. Feeling like all hell was about to break loose, I jumped out of bed and darted for the bathroom. As I knelt in prostration before my porcelain alter, I heard the bathroom door knob turn and open. I could have SWORN I locked it. I looked and saw a face peering at me from the darkness.

What you must also realize is that my friend had kids in his house at the time. Not sure which child it was, I proceeded to yell, “Just Go! Get Out Of HERE! CLOSE THE DOOR!”The door slammed shut and I puked up everything I had. Afterward I went back to bed and passed out.That morning I told my friend about the little incident and he laughed his ass off. I felt bad because I yelled at some kid with half of my face in the toilet. I was pretty sure I traumatized some 8-year old child with an image they would not soon forget. After sobering up a bit more, I went home.

The next day I went back to my friend’s house to watch football. When I got there my friend says:

Friend: Remember how you said you threw up last night?
P-Tyme: Yeah
Friend: And remember how you thought it was one of my cousins or one of my brothers who walked in on you?
P-Tyme: Yeah, I feel kinda bad about that…
Friend: Yeeeahh……..That was my dad…
P-Tyme:….Jesus….no wonder he gave me a strange look when I left yesterday
Friend: Yeeeaaaaahh…..
P-Tyme: Well……fuck….

~P-Tyme