It was Halloween and our bud Ares had planned a God and Goddesses party at one of our favorite spots in Orange County. Ra, Chef and I rolled to Ares’ house. We got there and immediately started playing beer pong (the most favored of drunken games!).
We soon discovered that the party would consist of the four of us and a girl, who we shall call Fo Sho. A hefty chunk of party goers decided to stay in L.A. to go to Carnival in West Hollywood or were too wasted to make the drive to the OC.
We cut our losses and played a ridiculous amount of beer pong and consumed a grotesque amount of beer. Once we were full of fine mead, Ares decided to make his deadly margaritas with the disclaimer, “Once you drink these, you can’t drive for eight hours!”
Always up for a challenge, we all drank an unnecessary amount of margaritas. I downed cup after cup, while Ra drained a good portion of the pitcher. Chef on the other hand decided to be clever and fill an empty wine bottle full of this death juice.
Before I continue, let me also state that we were all dressed as gods for our night out in the OC. Ares was of course Ares the Greek god of War, Ra was Ra the Egyptian sun god, Chef was Dionysus the Greek god of Wine, and I was Death.
As I also mentioned there was a girl with us by the name of Fo Sho. Fo Sho decided to not go with the program and dressed up as Audrey Hepburn from Breakfast at Tiffany’s…….riiiight….soon realizing her costume was 2 parts half-baked and 8 parts retarded, she decided to be a witch.
After consuming enough booze to put down a heavily armed platoon, we decided to walk several blocks down the street to our favorite bar/lounge Zimmy-Z. Ares had already secured the bar for our party that night, but what we didn’t know was that there was another party. The hotel that houses Zimmy-Z was also throwing a massive Halloween Party, so the place was crawling with “zombie” this and “naughty” that. Gotta love Halloween!
We get to our table and drinks were ordered along with appetizers that covered the entire table. Shots of Greek Sex, Mediterranean food, more shots, Greek beer, you name it and was probably on our table. Ra ordered there heavenly sirloin burger, which of course suited the sun god very much.
At one point Ares ordered a Pomegranate Martini, which our (incredibly hot) server explained was not the best drink….It really wasn’t. One sip and we were each temporarily sober.
Our spark of sobriety meant that we were all aware of our surroundings and one thing stood out.
- Ares: Where is Dionysus?
- P-Tyme: Restroom, I think
- Ra: I’LL GET HIM!
Ra ran over to the restroom door and started pounding on the door.
- Ra: DIONYSUS! DIONYSUS GET OUT HERE!
The door opened and Dionysus came sauntering out.
- Ares: Where were you?
- Dionysus: I passed out in the bathroom…
Everyone laughed at this. Dionysus sat down as the server came back to the table. As she asked us if we needed anything Dionysus fell out of the chair.
- Server: Is he ok?
- Ra: He’s the Greek god of wine
- Ares: Yeah yeah, he’s just in character
At one point the boys got up and walked over to the bar, leaving Fo Sho and I sitting on the couch eating. She was saying words and I was too drunk to listen, so I put up my hood and went to my happy place.
The boys came back and we decided to close our tabs and hit up The Den. The boys went to the bar first to close out. Fo Sho and I followed right behind them and we all went outside to the hotel’s lobby. It was then that I looked around and saw that there was only four of us.
- P-Tyme: HeY gUYs…wHeRe’s DIoNySus?
Everyone looked around drunkely and realized we were missing the god of wine. We’re all pretty wasted at this point.
- Ares: WHat thE hell, wheRe is DiOnysUs?!
- P-Tyme: I don’t kNoW
- Ra: RESTROOM! He mUst bE in tHeRE agAIn!
- P-Tyme: Hahaha OH YEAH!
Ra and I ran back into the bar and start pounding on the restroom door.
- Ra: DIONYSUS GET OUT HERE!
- P-Tyme: WE’RE LEAVING!
The door opened and out comes a small geriatric man staring at us as we tower over him.
- Ra and I: OHMYGOD, WEARESOooooSORRY!
Ra and I go back to the hotel lobby and report our fuck up. We were still missing our fellow god. Being the guys that we were, we decided that there were only a few reasons why Dionysus was missing:
- He was in prison
- He was dead in the gutter
- He was abducted by aliens
- All of the above
At any rate there was nothing we could do for him until the morning. We were all content to take a taxi to The Den for a night of debauchery (this is how guys are when we’re drunk. We only consider things that benefit the pack, not the individual).
However since Fo Sho was not a guy (and therefore under the impression that we SHOULDN’T leave our buddy behind), she insisted that we look for Dionysus.
We all spread out to find our lost friend, but there was one problem..We Were WASTED! Imagine getting lost and having the most retarded search party looking for you. Bad Times. We all split up.
I started walking towards the outdoor patio directly across from Zimmy-Z. Normally the patio is open, but the hotel was throwing its party and closed the area off. Since the doors were made of glass, I could still see outside. I was so drunk though that I couldn’t figure out why I could see outside, but couldn’t get outside…
At one point I wandered outside and decided to quit looking. This took 10 minutes (in drunk time, who knows how long we actually searched). We met up in the lobby and decided that we would go to The Den and pick up women, but Fo Sho insisted we stick around the area and search for Dionysus.
As a compromise we left the hotel and went around the corner to a spot Ra Sushi. The restaurant and bar were empty, except for the table of women in the middle of the place.
Ares and Ra descend on the three women, while Fo Sho and I hit the bar. I’m too wasted to stand and make polite conversation. Realizing that there were three women at the table (and that Fo Sho was once again saying things) I started to walk over to the table when Ares approached me.
- Ares: DuDE….TheY aRe MarriEd to COPS!
- P-Tyme: GET OUT OF THERE!
We looked over and Ra was still talking to them…though at this point, I’m not sure how coherent any of us were. Then Ares went back to talk to them, but seconds later we were out of the door and walking again.
We Gotta Find DIONYSUS!
The four of us decided it would be a good idea to go down to Main Street asking people if they had seen Dionysus. We went to one bar and asked if they had seen Dionysus. The bouncer shook his head. We then forgot about Dionysus and tried getting into the bar using tickets we got from the hotel. When they didn’t work, we were off on our search for Dionysusa again. We started yelling at any pedestrian, asking if they had seen “Dionysus!”
The four of us stopped at a bar called Deville. Ares asked the entire bar if they had seen Dionysus. Someone told him that he just left, but said that he would be back. Relieved I sat down at a random table because the spins were coming. I decided sitting was a bad idea and I must continue moving.
Dionysus eventually came back, but it was the WRONG Dionysus. It was some moron in a toga. Annoyed, Ares bought the bar another round of shots (For some reason when we get annoyed, we throw out more money….don’t ask why) and we left. With no other place to go, we went back to Zimmy-Z. Now we were beyond wasted, we were all shmammered (shit + hammered).
Now let me paint another picture for you. Not only were we the most retarded search party ever, we could no longer function. Ra immediately went to the portion of the bar closest to the entrance and put his head in his hands. He looked DONE. The room was now dancing around me and the sole key to my survival was constant movement.
While Ra sat, Ares and I walked over to a table of women. One was dressed like Janet Jackson and had her boob out with a piece of tape over her nipple with the word “Censored” on it. She told us to leave before her husband came back, so we bolted.
I went up to Ra and apologized that we never made it to The Den to hit on women.
- P-tyme: DUde..Dude…SorRY duuDE….
- Ra: barely lifting his head) This…iS…AweSOMe!
Ra’s head dropped back into his palms. I walk over to Ares who then decided it would be a good idea to sneak into the hotel’s party which costed $40. We got in (somehow) and bump into Ra.
- Ares: RA?!
- Ra: YOOOOUUU!!!!
- P-Tyme: HoW’D YoU eVEN GeT In HERE?!
We all walked around…still “looking” for Dionysus, then went back to the bar. Though some parts of this were fuzzy, Ares and I went to chat up a naughty angel and a naughty (as far as I can tell) Vietnam vet. I’m not sure what garbled nonsense flowed from our lips, but we somehow held there interest long enough to have a conversation. One of the girls looked behind us and saw Ra sitting at a table, with his head in his hands once again.
- Naughty Vietnam Vet: What’s wrong with your friend?
- Ares: Oh, he’s Ra the sun god. He’s sad that the sun isn’t out.
- Girl: Hahahahaha
We somehow convinced the girls to come back to our table. Now at this point I knew the drill. Talk to the girls, invite them back to the house, possibly jump in the hot tub. However this would take every effort for me to do because my mouth was took drunk to function. Instead I said some derivation of my intentions.
P-Tyme:….YoU GiiirlS…Want? uS…..HOt tUB….YoU…ShUt yOuR MoUtH When YoU TaLK tO ME!
And I walked away. Well apparently so did the others. So we managed to completely fail with two hot naughty women. At this point it had been three hours since we lost Dionysus. We decided it would be a good idea to take our four drunk asses home.
As we walked many block’s back to Ares’ house I saw two women walking a few yards ahead of us. I dared Ra to talk to them and he took off running after them. As he reached them a crazy (and apparently upset) Chicken Man came out of nowhere to shoo Ra away. It was a sight.
We finally got back to Ares’ house and started yelling for Dionysus. All of sudden, Dionysus pops out of the dark shivering in his toga.
ALL: DIONYSUS! WheRe WerE YoU!
Dioynsus looked at us confused. Apparently after splitting from the group, he fell asleep outside and had a dream that we had already come back from Zimmy-Z. He looked at us like we were all drunk assholes.
Regardless, we all went inside and passed out. The next day we got up and went to breakfast. We all told our pieces of the story and were amazed for as drunk as we were no one got injured or in trouble. Then out of nowhere Fo Sho dropped the bomb on us.
- Fo Sho: Oh yeah, I totally remember Chef leaving.
- Ares, Ra, P-Tyme:…………………………………
- P-Tyme:..wait….you knew that he left?
- Ares: WHY did you tell us that we couldn’t leave then?!
- Ra: You KNEW that he left?!
- Ares: We didn’t leave because of you!
- Fo Sho: I didn’t say not to leave!
- Ares: Yes you did!
- Fo Sho: No I didn’t!
- P-Tyme: SHUT UP FO SHO!
Ever since we then, we don’t let Fo Sho make decisions and tell her to shut up whenever we can….even when she’s not talking.