If there is one thing I can not wrap my head around, it is the concept of the faux critic (aka the idiot reviewer).  These are people that think they can write reviews without any substantial information. While I do realize the irony of such a statement, idiot critics are partially the reason for this blog’s existence.

What do I mean by the faux critic?

Sites like Yelp, Google Review, etc. cater to the idea that everyone should be able to voice their opinions and write reviews about a variety of establishments. Though this is a great idea, at times the result is a bastardization of the concept.

For example, have you ever read a review that started with the words, “I didn’t actually go inside, but…”?

Ok, just stop typing right there! If this is how your review starts, your opinion is instantly devoid of any value. The most important rule about writing a review is that the critic should actually SEE the place they are reviewing. What is going through your head when you type that anyway? Just because you have a single thought bouncing in your skull, doesn’t mean you should share it.

Usually people who give these types of reviews were either stuck in line or too dumb to understand how to get inside.

If you go to a bar where everyone is dressy casual and you are too lazy to change out of your sports jersey, then you deserve to be left outside. My rule is dress to impress. Even if you’re not dressed up, make yourself look good. This is ESPECIALLY true in Hollywood where everyone is judged based on appearance alone.

The next thing I don’t understand is when a reviewer has nothing really bad to say in their review, but still gives a rating of 2 stars or something weird.

WHY? You have nothing negative to say about the place, but you still gave it a crappy rating because of some minor flaw? “I really liked the people and the food was good, but the server took too long to give us the check, so two stars!” “The place is amazing, but I had a head ache, so two stars”.

WHAT? Talk about being needlessly picky. Oh I see, if your experience at a bar doesn’t rival your first time at Disney World when you were 7, then the bar deserves 2 out of 5 stars. Thanks asshole.

There are also reviewers out there who do not understand the concept of personal preference.

For instance, if you go to a sports bar and do not like sports, JUST LEAVE! Don’t sit there and get mad at the loud sports fan and beer smell. Did you expect a room of scholars drinking wine and discussing Thoreau? You’re an imbecile.

Also let’s not forget the reviews that have low ratings with no information whatsoever. These reviews include statements such as, “Just no…” or “Sucked!”

That’s not a review! It’s not even a full thought! Please remove yourself from the population. If you are of sound mind and can’t put a few nouns and verbs together to make a complete thought, then you don’t deserve to speak. Breathing is probably already difficult for you as is.

I do find it interesting that certain sites encourage people to post pictures. I’m guessing the idiot critics out there do not realize that bars and restaurant also read the reviews too. With the help of pictures, they now know what you look like.  Good luck getting great service now, dip shit.

I have written several rave reviews and have received kudos from servers, staff, and management. I’m pretty sure they will remember the face of the idiot that gave them pile of shit review, especially if you look like Quasimodo.

By the way, I would like to speak to all of the Quasimodos out there. You should realize that your opinions usually DON’T matter. For instance if I see that a reviewer gave a bar a low rating, but he/she has a face that looks like it was mauled by a bear, that’s a POSITIVE.

All that tells me is that Madame Bear-Claw-Face will never be at that establishment. That’s a win, win! This is the only time I somewhat encourage people to give poor reviews. It lets me know what monstrosities I will possibly avoid  going to that bar.

This is not to say that there should never be any bad reviews. Of course there should be! Some places aren’t run well at all. However if you’re going to write a review (good or bad), take the following into account:

  • Did you actually see the place? Were you there long?
  • Why were you there? Did you enjoy the people you were with?
  • What was good about the experience? What did not vibe with you?
  • Was it your first time there? Would you go back again?
  • Do you have a face like a walrus? (Realize that your good reviews will be bad and vice versa in this case)

Look, seriously if you want to have the best night possible when you go out, try to be less of an ass.