Dane Cook

While most of these stories take place many moons ago, this particular story is incredibly old. It takes place during my senior year of college. Back then there was this little thing called Spring Break (WOOO SPRING BREAK!). Well during this particular year I opted to stay and chill on campus with a bunch of friends. One particular night during the break we had Beer Olympics. It was quite epic because it consisted mainly of beer chugging games, which at the time was quite glorious. Anyway, by buddy Ewok (yes it’s a Star Wars reference) was visiting. We all participated in the festivities which resulted in Ewok getting very schmammered.

Long story short, a bunch of us went back to our dorms. A few of us lived in the same hall, so after I showed Ewok where to sleep, I went to a friend’s room to continue partying. I left the room door open just in case Ewok had to wake up in the middle of the night and puke. It was pitch black in the room, so I didn’t want him to get confused and wind up puking on my pristine white laundry. Eventually I went back to the room and passed out.

The next day I woke up to Ewok playing Dane Cook’s stand from my laptop. I sat up in bed and we shared drunk memories from the night before. For some reason the room felt humid, but I ignored it. I decided it was time to relieve my bowels from last night’s shenanigans and headed to the bathroom. Before I hopped out of bed however, I noticed something next to my roommate’s closet. (Btw, my roommate was visiting his girlfriend in Florida). I stared at what appeared to be….mud…..or…..chocolate….I wasn’t sure.

P-Tyme: What’s that? Mud…?
Ewok: What?

As I got closer to the suspicious substance and noticed something even more peculiar. My roommate’s closest door was slightly open. Obviously my roommate didn’t open his own closest because he was literally on another coast.

I open the closet and notice something even weirder. His Build-A-Bear box was open. Yes, my roommate had a Build-A-Bear (or rather a Build-A-Bunny), which was from his girlfriend and said, “ILoveYouILoveYouILoveYou” whenever you pressed its hands. The bunny was wearing a tutu and had a magic wand….The only person that touched the damn thing was him, so it was a bit confusing that the Build-A-Bear box was open. I peered my head into the closet and looked inside the box. That’s when I saw it.

P-Tyme: SOMEONE SHIT ON THE DOLL!
Ewok: What?!
P-Tyme: SOMEONE SHIT ON THE DOLL!
Ewok: Someone shit on the doll?!
P-Tyme: E-Ewok? D-Did you shit on the doll?!
Ewok: NO!

Ewok swiftly came over and looked in the box. There was a heaping log of shit on the doll, which covered its entire torso. The log of crap was so long that it broke off and there was a piece on the bunny’s foot. As I stood there bewildered, Ewok lifted the box and smelled it.

Ewok: Yeeeeep, that is shit alright.
P-Tyme: Someone SHIT on the DOLL!
Ewok: It appears so…

Ewok sprung into action and got paper towels to dispense of the shit. He launched both pieces down the communal trash chute as I stood there with my head in my hands, baffled. That Build-A-Bear meant more than life to my roommate, I couldn’t just have him come back from his vacation to find that the doll he slept with (which reminded him of his girlfriend) was covered in bowel movement.

Ewok: Dude, what are you going to do?
P-Tyme: I-I gotta clean it…FUCK, SHIT!
Ewok: Haha yeah…..

I promptly take the box into the bathroom and with a load of paper towels and hand soap, attempt to sanitize the bunny. I smelt it after scrubbing it for several minutes. It still smelt like crap. I found 409 and blasted the bunny with chemicals. Still nothing. CRAP! Well there was nothing left to do, but to put the bunny in the washing machine. However before I did, I had to get my roommate’s consent, since the water would probably damage the bunny’s voice box. I called up my roommate and headed outside.

Roommate: Hello?
P-Tyme: Hey man…I know you’re in Florida with your girl and all….but uh….well there is no other way to put it, so I’m just going to say it….Someone shit on your doll!
Roommate: What?
P-Tyme: Someone shit on your doll.
Roommate: Are you messing with me?
P-Tyme: Why would I call you to-Look, someone shit on your doll, and I just need to know if I can put it in the wash, since the water will probably mess up the voice box.
Roommate: Yea sure…
P-Tyme: Cool, see ya later.

I hang up the phone and start walking inside when my roommate called me back.

Roommate: SOMEONE SHIT ON MY DOLL?!
P-Tyme: SOMEONE SHIT ON YOUR DOLL!
Roommate: SOMEONE SHIT ON MY DOLL!!!
P-Tyme: Yeah man, we just covered this material, where were you?
Roommate: I thought you were just playing or something!
P-Tyme:…Shitting on dolls is nothing to play with.
Roommate: WHO DID IT?!
P-Tyme: Dude, if I knew I would tell you. I got NO clue. Look I’m going to put it in the wash….aaaand hope for the best.
Roommate: Alright go for it, I’ll see ya when I get back.
P-Tyme: Word…

I took the doll to the laundry room, put in the washing machine on the highest setting, and went back to the room where Ewok was waiting.

P-Tyme: Dane Cook was right…
Ewok: About what?
P-Tyme: When someone shits on the coats….that’s all you can say…
Ewok: Where’s the doll now?
P-Tyme: Laundry room.
Ewok: Ah….someone shit on the doll…
P-Tyme: Someone shit on the doll….

What’s even weirder…when my roommate got back…he didn’t throw the bunny away…He didn’t sleep with it…but he didn’t throw it away until we graduated two months later…

~P-Tyme